


Dicking Around

by BlackMajjicDuchess



Series: Dicking Around and Other Tales [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Bromance, Gen, Humor, Immaturity, Inappropriate Humor, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackMajjicDuchess/pseuds/BlackMajjicDuchess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izumo decides to draw a highly inappropriate picture on a discarded box. Kotetsu is not amused.</p><p>This means war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dicking Around

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a true story

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll just put it together while you go buy her ‘medicine’,” Izumo told him.

Kotetsu scrubbed a hand through his hair and grimaced. The Hokage’s sake habit was legendary, and it often fell on one or both of them to keep it well stocked while pretending that it magically restored itself on its own. She’d drink it to exhaustion, then freak the fuck out when she went to hit the bottle and it was empty. And when she freaked the fuck out, she usually took it out on whoever was closest, and due to their positions as Hokage’s Favorite Errand Boys, they were often the closest at hand.

Them, and poor Shizune, who was far too sweet to deserve her tongue lashings.

And so, Kotetsu was making the biweekly liquor store run to go restock her several ‘hiding places.’ Which left Izumo the task of putting together the new book case. It was called a book case, but really what it was was a display case for video games and movies. “Thanks. I’ll help you move all the stuff to it when I get back. Shouldn’t be gone too long.”

Izumo raised one hand in a halfhearted wave, already immersed in lining up the pieces toward where they went, the directions forgotten, already covered up by half a shelf. The screws, of course, were simply dumped out upon the carpet of the apartment they shared. “Sides,” he murmured to himself as the door shut behind Izumo. He laid out the two longer pieces. “Bottom…” He placed the heavy foundation piece at the bottom of the assortment. “Shelves… backing…” Before long, the pieces were laid out.

And not too long after that, the shelves were all screwed tightly together and the shelf was placed in its place next to the TV. He smiled and clapped his hands together. “Who needs directions anyway? I’m a fucking ninja.”

He turned around and took in the mess that had been made by unboxing the shelving unit. There was a huge white box, several feet long and across but only a few inches wide, a couple of torn open plastic packages that had held the screws, and a by now very badly beaten up set of unused directions. The toolbox had mostly been kept neat, though. He sighed; Izumo did not much appreciate having to clean up. Instruction booklet and plastic bits went into the trash. Tools went back into the closet.

But what about this giant white box? He sat down on the couch and pulled it towards him. “It’s kind of like a huge piece of paper,” he mused aloud. Then, suddenly he grinned, an idea striking him. “Now I kind of want to draw something huge and inappropriate.” The idea of a cardboard tribute to the grotesque, weird, or completely immature was certainly appealing.

And, really, what was more immature than a hand drawn penis?

Satisfied with his choice, he rummaged through the kitchen drawers until he found what he was looking for: a black permanent marker. Eyes squinted in concentration and tongue jutted out between his lips to focus, he began drawing. He made the testicles comically large with sparse, sporadically growing yet long and angry looking pubic hair. The shaft rose straight up from the balls, towering up through every inch of that piece of cardboard.

“Nothing says ‘fuck you’ like a four foot tall dick,” he said aloud to the apartment, chuckling to himself. His work complete, he sat back and admired it, smiling to himself. 

“It’s missing something. I kind of want to draw a silly hat, or a monacle, or something equally ridiculous.” After a moment’s thought, he went with a giant sombrero, a gleeful expression, a curly little mustache and a pair of maracas.

“Perfect.” And it was. It was perhaps the most ridiculous looking cock he had ever drawn, and in his lifetime, that was a lot of dicks.

He glanced around the apartment for where to put their new roommate, but nothing seemed right. You can’t just have a penis standing around in your living room. What would you do with that? 

When the idea came to him, he knew he had a winner. He crossed the floor, cardboard held before him like a work of art, and opened Kotetsu’s bedroom door. He turned down the covers just a little and tucked the base of his masterpiece into the covers, then pulled them up just enough to make it look like it was trying to be comfortable in Kotetsu’s bed. Proud of himself, he turned the light off and shut the door, then went back to the living room to wait for Kotetsu’s return. 

When the door opened, Izumo was sitting on the couch, draped backward over the arm, feet propped up on the cushions. He was rereading book 2 of the Icha Icha series. It had always been his favorite one. Jiraiya’s first one had been a bit clumsy, but after the success of his first novel, the second one was braver and filled with all of the genius he had kept penned up in his gloriously perverted brain. Past that, Icha Icha was great, but had never struck Izumo as much as his second one had. He barely flicked a glance in Kotetsu’s direction. “Yo.” 

“Hey,” he sighed out. Running to the liquor store was never his favorite thing to do. Between the sake refills and the beers that they kept around the apartment, he was convinced the Village thought that he was a raging alcoholic, because his reputation was so _squeaky clean_ without that.

“Shelf looks nice,” he hollered over his shoulder as he made his way to his bedroom. As soon as he was gone from view, Izumo dropped the book in his lap and sat straight up, already holding in the snickers. Just thinking about his face when he saw what Izumo had done was making him want to burst out laughing. 

The light switch flicked on, flooding the hallway with light, and the sounds of Kotetsu moving around in his room could be heard. 

 _Why isn’t he saying anything?_ Izumo wondered. He had to have missed it, though how someone could miss a four foot tall cock and balls in his bed and call themselves a Shinobi was baffling. He craned his head closer, waiting for the moment. _Come on, come on!_ He silently urged. _Turn the fuck around!_

Finally…

_“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!”_

Izumo’s body involuntarily rocked back into the chair and laughter burst from his mouth, filling the apartment with a combination of horrified shouts and raucous fits of the giggles. He rocketed from his room now dressed in pajama pants, pointing behind him and pinning him with an accusatory glare. “You put a dick in my bed? How old are you?”

“Four, obviously!” he retorted with mirth.

Glaring with suspicion, Kotetsu returned to his room and shut the door behind him. Izumo sniggered and yelled, “Hey, you were supposed to help me load up the shelves! 

“Do it yourself!” he grumped back.

 _Score one for the good guy,_ Izumo thought, returning to his book.  

* * *

 

The next morning, he shuffled sleepily into the bathroom for his morning sit-down pee. Everyone knew he was completely inhuman before his coffee, and he could hardly see, let alone walk straight. His shoulder bumped his door frame on his way out of his room, and all he could do was groan and swear. He didn't even bother to switch on the light. Or shut the door. He merely staggered his way to the toilet, dropped trou, and sat down upon the seat. 

His eyes widened when his back bumped into something cardboard and far too familiar. He craned his head around and peeked up at the cheeky face of the cock he had drawn, grinning down at him as if it knew exactly what was going through his brain in that moment...

...which was that he was way too up close and personal to someone's penis, even if it wasn't real and didn't actually belong to anyone. He stood quickly with a yelp and slapped the cardboard off the toilet. From the room on the other side of the wall he heard Kotetsu's barely restrained laughter, a series of snorts and sharp inhalations of breath as he realized what had just happened. 

No matter. The threat was passed. And so, he sat down and pissed. 

When he was finished, he silently leaned the cardboard just outside Kotetsu's doorframe so that when his friend opened the door, it would be staring right at him. Satisfied, he went back to bed. Coffee wasn't made, and no matter what time it was, it was clearly too early.

* * *

 

An indeterminate amount of time later, the fragrance of coffee magicked its way through his bedroom door and roused him from sleep. Bless Kotetsu, he thought sleepily as he shuffled out to the kitchen with a mighty, stretching yawn.

As he blearily winked open both eyes, retinas burning from the too bright light that streamed in from the window, he noticed two things. One, Senor Pene was sitting in his chair, creepy mustache and scraggly balls and all. Two, his steaming cup of coffee was placed just in front of him on the table. Kotetsu stood next to the offending appendage with a victorious grin gracing his face. 

Izumo understood the situation immediately. He was going to have to fight that dick for his coffee cup, and Kotetsu was going to enjoy every moment for it. Well. Enough was enough, he guessed. He grabbed a shuriken from his holster that was hanging on a nearby wall and flung it through that dick's smug grin. The cardboard wrenched itself free from his chair, causing the furniture to rock back onto two feet, and the cardboard penis pinned itself to the wall beyond. 

"I think," he sighed with exhaustion, "perhaps it is time to stop dicking around." 

Kotetsu guffawed and slapped him on the shoulder. "Glad you agree, asshole. Finish your coffee. Tsunade has work for us to do this morning. You're going to love it, too."

"Thanks for the coffee," he said, barely discernible mid-yawn. "Let me guess... more paperwork?"

"Worse. Taxes."

Izumo's head banged onto the table next to the mug. "Mother fuck."

 


End file.
